Linda Goodliffe's Blog

Mostly decided...

2012-02-11T02:26:00.002-05:00

I've been reading a few books lately, there aren't many, on becoming a single mother by choice. The latest is, HELPING THE STORK, but it's geared more toward couples who turn to sperm donors to get pregnant. However, there are a few short sections for women like me. In one of them a mother recounts a sad night with her daughter when her daughter is crying about not knowing who her daddy is. When I read this I had a revelation. I think not knowing who your father is is not as bad as being rejected by him. I'd rather my child/children cry "I don't know who my daddy is", than "why doesn't daddy want to see me very much?", or "where is daddy, and why doesn't he visit me as much as my sisters and brothers?".

Could this assumption or revelation be wrong? Of course. How do I know what the future holds? However, I do know what it's like to be rejected by a parent, and I can tell you it did one hell of a number on me. Because this is online I'll keep these comments brief and stop here on my own history. In any case, I think my children will be better off with an anonymous sperm donor, and possibly I will too. So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to go that route rather than turn to men/a man I know. I even had a dream last night where I was betrayed by a known sperm donor. The man in my dream was made up by my imagination, but I knew him in my dream and he did not live up to his promise. I'm sure that's just a reflection of my fears and past experience, but I think it's valid. An anonymous donor can not let me or my child/children down.

Do I hope I will find a husband to be a father to my future child/children? Of course, and I haven't given up, nor will I. I just need to be sensitive to time right now, or lack thereof. Something men don't really have to deal with.

I hope these posts help someone, so far they've helped me. The support I've gotten from friends and family since posting this has been a tremendous gift. I am blessed!

Single Woman and Pregnancy BY CHOICE

2012-02-03T02:29:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm going to throw this out into the world via the internet (even though I have few to no readers) despite my great fears. I'm single and I've gotten to that point in life where I either do what I need to do to get pregnant, or watch this dream from childhood pass me by. I've wanted to have a baby since I first held my baby sister in my arms when I was almost 3 years old. Who knows, maybe I'm physically unable to get pregnant but I've never tried before and my endocrinologist is very positive about my chances.

So, this brings up all sorts of frightening, heartbreaking, hopeful, and exciting issues for me. I'll just start by numbering them:

1) I have to mourn the loss of the traditional dream I had in my heart from childhood. Yes, grieve and mourn, it's a process I've been going through lately. I would love to have a loving and supportive husband, but that's not a reality for me right now.
2) How will I deal with this in my Christian community? My personal church will be supportive, but I live in the belt buckle of the bible belt. Scary!!
3) Do I ask a friend if he wants to be a part time Dad or just to donate his sperm, or do I just charge ahead with the anonymous sperm bank? I have a friend in mind, but I get chest pain at the thought of bringing this up with him. He's a great guy with wonderful genes, this is just scary for me. I have no idea how he'll react, but I love the idea of my children having some sort of known father, who would be nice to them for sure, in their lives.
5) I have these horrible visions of ending up with a drug addict's sperm from a sperm bank.
4) What will happen with my work as a Chaplain in prison/jail ministry? Most of the Chaplains in jail are Evangelist, Pentecostal, or Baptist. I'm not, but I'm not the one in charge. This, I would certainly put in God's hands!
5) How do I protect my child/children from a judgmental society?
6) How do I deal with all the crazy questions I know I'll be asked?
7) Privacy is an issue, but less so now that I'm bravely posting this on the internet ;)
8) I'm afraid to go through the pregnancy without a partner by my side, especially since I'll have a high risk pregnancy simply because of my age. My Mom will help in every way she can (thank you Mom!!!), but it's still not the same. Not even close.
9) Again, how do I deal with a judgmental society?
10) How do I fight off the inevitable sadness of using a sterile process to get pregnant (hopefully!!!)?
11) Will anyone throw me a baby shower and be happy for me, or will they treat me as if this isn't as joyous of an occasion because I'm single and doing this by choice? I'd just love to be treated like everyone else I know who has had a baby, but from what I've read about the experiences of other single women by choice this may not be the case.

I'll add to this list as I think of more issues. I'm afraid, but I know for sure I'll be the happiest stressed out single Mom you'll ever see. I've never been more sure about what I want as I set out to get it as I am about this. There is no doubt in my mind, heart, or spirit that this is the right thing for me to do. My doctor told me today that I need to get started right away. I still need to buy a house (I'm very close!!!), and get one more orthopedic surgery before actually getting pregnant. In the meantime, I'm talking to all my doctors, setting up insurance coverage for this, and making every plan I can. I'm just frozen at the time when it comes to asking my friend for his sperm and support as whatever sort of father he may or may not want to be. That, and Christian society scare me the most right now. Who knows, maybe I'm afraid for naught. I hope so.

More to come. I think I'll continually blog on this experience as I go through it. I know I'm not the only woman going through this.

PCOS diet and weight loss

2011-08-02T04:10:00.000-04:00

I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) about 2 1/2 years ago. Prior to that I spent 3-4 years in hell on a journey to diagnosis. However, what I'd like to discuss here is what I've discovered about eating, weight and this illness since I was diagnosed.

If you have PCOS or think you do, you most likely have a problem with your weight. I was always slender until I became sick with PCOS. When I became ill and before getting a diagnosis I kept from becoming 400 pounds by starving myself one or two days a week, never two days in a row. I used to have a high metabolism, but now it seems to be either stopped or close to stopped (I know, if it halted completely I'd die, but you know what I mean). When I first started medication (Metformin) most of the weight dropped off, which was wonderful. Even if I didn't feel quite like my old self, at least I was starting to look like her. Unfortunately, the effects of the Metformin stopped in the weight department. I noticed that I gain weight with the slightest change in my life and find it almost impossible to take off.

I'm writing this post to my blog to share a trick I found to deal with my PCOS weight problem. It's far from a cure, but it's a step in the right direction. I've seen nutritionists, dieticians, countless doctors, and read books pertaining to my problem. None of them helped. I've discovered that it doesn't matter how few carbs I eat or how many brussel sprouts I eat, but it's WHEN I eat. Sure, I have to eat generally healthy (minimize fried food and sweets), but if I want a piece of cake or some french fries, that's OK as long as I don't go hours between meals. In fact, the more I graze all day on mostly healthy food (rice, eggs, fruit, veggies, etc...) and avoid hunger, I'm actually able to lose weight. However, when I go for long periods of time without eating (3+ hours) I gain weight, even if I'm eating fewer calories. Overall, I've found the WHEN is crucial, rather than the what.

I now have blood sugar issues thanks to my PCOS, along with thyroid and immune system problems, but I can actually eat sweets in moderation and french fries in small amounts when I never approach a meal starving. If I feel like eating the table with the food by the time I eat, I'm guaranteed to gain weight even if it's the healthiest meal I've ever had.

If you have PCOS or think you do, I hope I've helped you. I know weight gain is not our biggest problem, but it's most certainly a life changing challenge and life long challenge until someone comes up with a cure for this. We're all different and PCOS manifests itself in unique ways, but I think I'm onto something. Please let me know what you think of this, I'd love to hear from my PCOS sisters! Good luck!

TRUSTING GOD ENTIRELY

2010-04-23T03:43:00.000-04:00

Trust. That’s a powerful word because it represents such a profound action. Trust is a part of love, and trust can be betrayed in an instant or upheld for a lifetime. What is trust? We trust that the sun will rise on the east early each morning and that it will set on the west every evening. We trust that our vision of the moon will go from a process of full moon to new moon, and that process will take about the same amount of time every time. We trust that the ocean is deep in parts, and breaks on our shores in others. We trust that there are an infinite number of stars in the sky even if we can’t see them because of clouds or light pollution. We trust that the spring will come after winter. If you have a dog for a beloved pet, then you know how much a dog trusts you even when you do not deserve it.

God and God’s promises to us are magnanimously greater and more steadfast than the cycles of the sun and the moon. This is because God is the source, the creator, of the Universe and everything and everyone contained within it. We know this not only because of the words from all the prophets through whom God spoke many many times over thousands of years, but because we feel it. We see it. We can see the magnificence of God in the strand of a creature’s DNA, we can see that magnificence in the Rocky Mountains, the Alps in Europe, in the smile of a child, and in a field of wild flowers on a sunny day. When we see we also feel that overwhelming sense of God and God’s perfect creation. So, why do we have such a hard time trusting God?

That may be because we are God’s most complex creation. Our physical make up, our minds, and our souls are more complex than the sun, the moon, a flower, and the stars. We make choices, whereas not a sun in the entire universe could make a conscious choice. Sometimes the choices of the other human beings in our lives make choices that end up betraying our trust, and that hurts. Like a hand placed on a hot burner it hurts, but for much longer than a burnt hand does. So, like a child who learns the hard way about hot burners, we learn that betrayed trust hurts and we try to prevent that from happening again.

With this simple yet life altering problem of trust, we are asked by God to trust Him/Her completely. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight” Proverbs 3:5 NRSV Bible. With everything else we trust we are relying on our own insight. We choose lovers to trust based on our insight. We see with our own eyes the sun rising and falling every single day. We know the ocean is very deep in many places because of the witness of others who have been there and measured it. We are called to blindly trust God? Not to trust what we see and feel with relation to God and God’s promises to us? Wow. That’s a tall order to trust a creator we cannot see with our own eyes.

When a scribe asked Jesus to tell them the greatest commandment of all the commandments from God, “Jesus answered, ‘The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” Mark 12:29-31 NRSV Bible.

For us human beings with free will making choices countless times a day, love and trust are intimately linked. The bond between a wife and husband is both love and trust. The trust that your spouse will keep his or her promises made when taking the vow of marriage, which was taken because of love - in America and other places. (many countries and cultures practice arranged marriage, but even that involves love of the family) The spouse trusts that when his or her partner is tempted to commit adultery that person will turn away and keep that vow made yesterday or a lifetime ago. An example of the link between love and trust.

A child trusts that his or her mother and father will make decisions in the best interest of the child. The child loves the parents and the parents love the child. Another example of the link between love and trust, and one which is betrayed most often and with the most extreme consequences.

So, how are we supposed to make the choice, over and over, to trust God “with all our heart”? How are we, the betrayed, supposed to put our hand on that burner and trust that it will not be hot? Because God has made the choice to be trustworthy. The bible is littered with God’s promise to take care of us, and to love us. To never abandon us. I am Christian so I can not speak to other religions, but I’m sure in the Jewish tradition and Muslim tradition God’s promise is the same.

Is God really being trustworthy when we pray to God for healing and God’s answer takes many years, or the answer is just plain “no”? In proverbs it says, “do not rely on your own insight” as quoted earlier. So, when we feel so horrible we can’t get out of bed, or we know we will die that is when we are to ignore our own insight. We are suffering greatly, and experiencing what many may judge as a betrayal of trust. However, I’ve never read anywhere in the bible where God promises us a problem free life that is long. However, God does promise to carry us through our troubles, and if we allow God God will help us to use our sufferings to do His/Her work, which makes the world a better place to live in. God also promises us Heaven if we just believe in God. This way, if our suffering leads to death, we know we just transition rather than die. God promises us life. Now and through eternity. How can we trust that promise of life? The evidence is that we were given life here on earth. If you are reading this you have been given life already.

Trust God entirely, even when we are unable to see a way out of our pain. Even when we are blessed with abundance and think we achieved that on our own. (We tend to forget about God during times of abundance.) Trust in God with all your heart, no matter what. God has given us life and spoken to us through Jesus who was God incarnate, the Prophets, and His/Her creation. God wants to have a conversation with us, and for us to trust Him/Her entirely because God loves us completely.

A New War...

2009-11-04T00:16:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Today I met yet another young veteran home from Iraq. We were in line at the VA (veterans’ administration) medical center pharmacy, which many times gives veterans a lot of time for conversing. I’ve been meeting young veterans like him for several years now, and it breaks my heart every time. Not that it matters, but I’m doing better at dealing with these interactions. When they first started to come home from the wars I would have to find a place to cry uncontrollably where they didn’t see me. Thankfully, I don’t do that anymore.

I became a disabled veteran at the age of 24 back in 1994. I didn’t go to war myself, but I saw desert storm syndrome long before the country was aware of it, and I had my own trauma to deal with. So, in some ways I can relate to these young men and women who come home changed. I guess that’s evident with all my crying a few years ago.

Back to the young 23 year old veteran I met today. When I had a moment to ask him about himself, I was competing with a vietnam veteran determined to blurt out every detail of football he could think of, I learned quite a bit. His story is one I’ve heard many times. Among other serious injuries, he had a broken back and PTSD. He had been to Iraq 3 times, survived 2 IED (improvised explosive devise) attacks and fallen from the top of a two story building. When talking about life too much I noticed his eye started to twitch. Something I’m noticing is that the emotional trauma is getting worse. Much worse. I didn’t think that was possible.

Before I had a chance to ask him how the VA is treating him (the Vietnam veteran was still there, now talking about how he was treated when he got out - which was horrible), he told me that his VA doctor wants to operate on his back. The difference between his story and mine (and many others of my era - desert storm) is that the VA seems to want to help him. As for me, I still can’t get to see an orthopedic doctor about my service connected knee injuries. I’m scheduled for the start of my second round of knee surgeries, since I got out, in two days with a private doctor. That’s how it was the last time too. I’m glad to hear the VA wants to help him. I have no clue why I’m getting stonewalled. I never have. I consider it a mystery of the universe at this point and am thankful that I now have medicare.

The problem is, that he’s rightfully afraid to have a VA surgeon operate on his back. He’s had friends who had similar surgeries (I told you I’ve heard his story before!) at the VA and came out worse than when they went in. I know people like that too. So, my advice to him was to wait until the congress passes new health care legislation, get health insurance, then go to Duke or Columbia or somewhere similar to find the best surgeon he can to get his back fixed. I told him about my father who had back surgery and is playing golf, and about that tennis player in the US Open this year who also had back surgery. The difference is that my father, and probably that tennis player, had the best surgeons they could find. My father has lots and lots of money and went to Columbia University in New York City. Whereas, veterans get residents in training if we’re lucky, or doctors who graduated in the bottom of their classes, or from schools in non-western countries. Once in a blue moon there’s a good doctor in the VA system who’s there because she or he really cares about veterans, but those folks are rare and hard to get to. A young veteran just home from a war zone isn’t going to have the know how or the patience to find those doctors if they aren’t assigned to them initially. I must give those doctors credit though.

My question to the reader is, why are those of us who serve our country in the armed forces getting mediocre care at best? Usually, it’s substandard care but many veterans are not medically savvy enough to know that. I was glad to see the veteran I met today knew the difference. To qualify myself, I was an emergency medical technician before I joined the Navy, was a Hospital Corpsman in the Navy, my mother is a Registered Nurse as well as my aunt and both of them have taught me a great deal over the years in addition to my own training. Plus, my sister is a genetics professor and I’ve taken a bunch of college science and math classes since the Navy. So, between all that, the stories I’ve heard from so many others, and my own abysmal VA medical care since 1994 I can say with some credible authority that the VA medical care is light years away from being up to par.

We, the citizens of the United States, sent this young man to Iraq three times. I think owe him the best medical care this country can possibly give him. In my opinion we should pay for him to get his back surgery with the best back surgeon at Duke, or Johns Hopkins, or Columbia, rather than making him a drug addict from all the narcotic pain medications he had to pick up at the pharmacy today. Like his comrades who were operated on by VA surgeons will undoubtedly become. I’ve seen countless drug addicted Vietnam veterans limping around the VA medical centers over the years. I can tell you that if we just spent the money up front and did everything we possibly could to put this guy back on his feet, he would become a contributing tax paying citizen. If we don’t, there’s a good chance the opposite will happen. Like what eventually happened with me (it took a while - I fought it). Only, I didn’t become a drug addict, despite the Navy’s and VA efforts to make me one. I just got very sick. My body finally gave in. That happens to a lot of us. However, if the VA had just done what they should have in the very beginning, I would not be a living casualty today. I’m still fighting by the way, we’ll see what happens. Those of us who joined the voluntary armed forces are hard chargers. We don’t go down easy. The young man I met today was definitely high in those ranks and was proud of his service to his country.

As I watched the still strong, young, and vibrant 23 year old veteran limp away from the pharmacy window with his brown paper bag, I couldn’t help wondering if he will have the determination to avoid the fate of so many veterans before him who disintegrated into despair and drug addiction from the extreme pain and trauma he clearly suffers from. No matter what, I know he has a new war to fight.

Will we do what it takes to help him, or will we let him disintegrate like the rest of us who have gone before him?

Will We Hold Our Leaders Accountable This Time?

2009-06-02T11:45:00.000-04:00

Accountability is finally something Americans as a society are calling for. Although I myself am guilty of becoming complacent in the early Bush years, I think it's tragic that it's taken near worldwide economic depression caused by astronomical greed to get us here. At least we're here. We're finally angry and public floggings of those responsible for all the things that cause us to be uncomfortable would make us feel better. It's a step in the right direction. Don’t get me wrong, I feel genuinely bad for and even empathize with everyone who has lost their jobs. However, I do a prison ministry for people with real problems who don’t pay attention to the economy. Life falls into the right perspective when you find yourself ministering to someone who’s in jail because she can’t pay her child support because she’s too sick to work from diabetes and can’t afford her medicine, and there’s a 100% chance she was horribly abused growing up. Oh, and whenever I ask someone to read from the Bible I always have to make sure they can read at all. So, please excuse me if I sound a little harsh. We really did get complacent and greedy in some way. All of us, and we have a lot of work to do.

I know I'm not the first to say this, but I believe this all started with a well meaning President Gerald Ford. In an effort to move America past its pain and humiliation of the Nixon "Watergate" wiretapping scandal, he pardoned President Nixon rather than forcing him to stand trial in the Senate. I believe that act set the standard that we hear now from our current President Obama who is saying that we need to look forward rather than into the past. I think he is making a terrible mistake.

Since President Ford, we've had Ollie North get a slap on the wrist for making a few extra bucks when illegally selling weapons of mass destruction to the bad guys. We've secretly invaded small countries we shouldn't have and over thrown democratically elected leaders in countries most Americans have never heard of, we have had a President get away with lying under oath in a court of law (whether or not he should have been there is a separate debate), and of course now we have had the Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld years who make all their predecessors look like a meadow full new born bunny rabbits. Then, there's the congress and all the damage they've done. They fell asleep on their watch during the Bush years and they should pay in my opinion. When I was in the Navy if you were found asleep on your watch you were thrown out of the Navy. Period.

With all the financial and environmental deregulation and no regard for consequences or tiniest thought about the future we are left with global warming, several wars, miscellaneous annoyances (e.g. we can't really sue moving companies thanks to congress), and economic meltdown. Does anyone else want to throw in the towel and head for Fiji? Oh wait, Fiji is just about under water due to global warming!

We can stand around and point fingers at Republicans or Democrats, but in this case there are definitely three fingers pointing back at us. We fell asleep on our watch too. We let the talking heads in the corporately controlled media numb us to sleep when we should have been in the streets and on capital hill in the millions! We should have been paying attention to who voted for what and then voted our representatives out when they represented corporate donors instead of us!

Now that the Presidential election is over and the dolts in the media are doing what they do - wake up! Hold leaders accountable for their actions. We are so lucky to live in a country where you can do something to create change in our country and communities (we can thank the President for reminding us), and to have been raised in a family where you learned enough to read this essay.

I must add one more point. A biblical scholar and professor at a local seminary said in a lecture at my church that historically and presently “there is no peace without justice”. I found that statement to be profound and true. What do you think?

ADHD and Mom's Wisdom

2009-06-02T01:48:00.000-04:00

Tonight I was looking for some advice for myself to overcome a particular adult ADHD hurdle when the overmedication of our children and lack of progress in schools and doctor's offices struck me. So, I thought I'd post something I wrote last year. I hope this helps someone...

"I'm 38 years old now and I still feel sick to my stomach when I pass an elementary, middle, or high school. I have ADHD. When I was a child it was called "hyperactivity" and I was put on Ritalin for two years until I was "cured". Then when I was 28, and had already overcome as an adult the struggle of studying, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

Although my childhood was less than picture perfect, I have to give a great deal of credit to my mother. She found the best pediatrician for my sister and I that she could, which is how she was able to have me diagnosed and minimally treated over thirty years ago. The first sign that something was wrong was when my loving mother took me, the child she had wanted more than anything in the world, at three years old to the pediatrician and said, "Linda and I cannot live in the same house together". I laugh now, but luckily my doctor didn't. If you are a parent and are reading this, then you can probably relate to my mother. Lucky for you we have come a long way since I was a child, however I must say I think we still have a long way to go.

I believe the things my mother did way back then still apply today, but before I end this article I will point you in the direction of current experts I think highly of. There is plenty of help out there now. But, my Mom did a lot for me and I'd like to pass her wisdom on to you.

She provided a great deal of structure for me. I got up at the same time every morning, went to bed at the same time every night, ate similar breakfasts every morning, etc... Structure is extremely important for children with ADHD. She made sure I always had regular and healthy meals, and she removed artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives from my diet. She claims that helped. I did that myself a few years ago to help with my migraines, and I did in fact get the improvement I was aiming for. I don't know what the latest research says about this, but I would go with Mom on this one. She also signed me up for every sport she could think of. Swimming, ballet, gymnastics, etc... She made sure I had a constructive outlet for my excess energy, and to this day that helps tremendously. I was much better at focusing after getting exercise. As for homework, I've helped kids with ADD and ADHD. All I had to do was sit with them and keep them focused on the task they were working on. We're usually very smart, we just need help focusing. I can say from experience that yelling at us and isolating us in a room somewhere with homework we don't want to do doesn't work and never will. We need understanding and patient company, and that's usually all it takes. As an adult, I've found that music and/or walking around while reading helps. It depends on what I'm doing.

There are good resources for parents of children with ADHD, and adults with ADHD. CHADD, Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, is a place to start. Their web site is www.chadd.org. They have up to date information and research on ADHD/ADD itself, where to go for help, links to other web sites, and answers to questions you may have. The web site also has a page that can direct you to a local support group, which I highly recommend. My only warning about CHADD is that they seem to promote medication more than I am comfortable with, and I've recently read a good blog stating that they take money from pharmaceutical companies.

There are also some wonderful books that should absolutely be read. "The bible" in the ADHD/ADD community is a book called "Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood" by Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey. A few other books I'd recommend are "ADD Success Stories: A Guide to Fulfillment for Families with Attention Deficit Disorder" by Thom Hartmann and John J. Ratey and "Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception" by Thom Hartmann and Edward M. Hallowell.

Back when I was a child my Mom was accused by my school of being a bad mother for standing up for me the way she did. My pediatrician had to go to my elementary school to explain "hyperactivity" to the Principal and my teachers. You may or may not being going through some version of that, but you certainly are going through a struggle if your child has ADHD. It's hard to be a different child with excess energy in a germanic/anglican based school system, but if you get the right help for your child and hang in there with her or him you'll be amazed at the wondrous life that will emerge. I don't fall out of my chair anymore when I daydream, and now I'm free to write down all the wonderful stories in my head. My Mom is still my biggest fan."